For almost a decade now I have been in the habit of asking
people about the teachers, coaches, and mentors they most
respect and admire. The stories that people share in response
to this question are many and varied. They are inspiring and
remind us of the powerful influence one person can have on
our lives. And yet, as unique and individual as the stories are
to the people telling them, there also seems to be a common
thread. When they get to telling me about the teacher or
coach they are most grateful for, I then like to ask them,
“How would you describe his or her style?” Almost inevitably
the answer is the same: tough but fair. They may say
it in a different way or use different words, but in essence it
comes down to the same thing.
In my corporate work, I use this example to explain to
managers that in order to gain the respect of employees or
those who report to them, we must be tough but fair. If you
give a pay raise to someone who has done a poor job, you encourage
the wrong behavior, you weaken your business and
its ability to perform, but perhaps most of all you weaken the
team because you lose respect as a leader, which diminishes
your ability to manage and lead, which in turn jeopardizes
the future of the venture.
Successful parenting is as much about gaining and keeping
the respect of our children. It is important to point out that
respect is not the same as popularity. In fact, in many cases,
in order to assure respect way into the future, we must be
willing to surrender popularity in the present.
At the very core of leadership, management, parenting,
and love is the approach of tough but fair. If you are too easy
on them and let them do whatever they want, they won’t respect
you because they will see you as a pushover. If you are
too hard on them and never let them exercise their free will
and preferences, they will see you as unreasonable and unbending
and you will lose their respect that way.
Tough but fair means holding them accountable. We all
need to be accountable to someone. It brings out the best in
us. People do not do well in situations where they are not accountable
to anyone or anything. In fact, the absence of
accountability inevitably leads to our spinning out of control.
The framers knew this as well as anybody. The Founding Fathers
had unique insight into the very nature of the human
being when they wrote: “All men are created equal, that they
are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable
Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of
happiness.” But the framers also displayed profound insight
into human nature in writing the Constitution when they set
up a series of checks and balances in order to avoid a situation
where someone would have power without accountability.
Accountability does not stifle us; it brings out the best in
us. Whether you are managing people in the workplace or
raising your children, your role demands that you hold them
accountable. Our attempts to hold our children accountable
will be most successful if we are able to clearly define for
them a vision toward which we are parenting. If you are able
to tell your children that you love them and that you want to
help them become the-best-version-of-themselves, and that
you consider that to be your role as a parent, when an issue
arises you can speak to the issue by celebrating the vision.
You can also let them know that as a parent you feel it is your
responsibility to be tough but fair. At times they may think
you are being too tough—and you should carefully consider
with your partner whether or not that is the case. At other
times they may claim you are not being fair. There is certainly
not a parent on the planet who has not heard that cry. At the
end of the day you can only do what you believe to be best.
Sometimes you will get it wrong. When you realize that you
got it wrong, apologize to your children. At the heart of great
parenting is a deep humility that we have been entrusted with
an awesome role and tremendous responsibility.
When the Native American people make a decision for
their community they ask the question: “How will what we
are considering affect our people seven generations from
now?” In raising our children it is all too easy to get caught
up in the here and now. Parenting is a leadership role, and
leaders look beyond the here and now to consider the pros
and cons at various times in the future. If we genuinely want
to serve our children’s best interests we must find within ourselves
the courage to be tough but fair in our dealings with
them, to hold them accountable. This courage is born from a
vision of what we wish to achieve through our parenting. By
clearly establishing the goals of our parenting we are given
the courage to parent to that vision.
It goes without saying that this tough but fair approach
would be interwoven with a deep love for our children,
daily encouragement and support, and an open and understanding
heart.
Matthew Kelly
From Building Better Families
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